Confessions of Xeno--Day 1

DAY 1  One toe into sobriety

Of course, this is not my first day one.  Over the past 5 or so years, I've had probably 100 in total.

I have had many of those day ones alone.

I have had several day ones with Belle.

I had a few with Kate Bee.

I had one or two with Holly GW.

Thanks for all of your help in my furtive and feeble efforts.

Earlier this month, I met a young man at a company event who didn't drink.  I think he might have been taken aback by how overly interested in his non-drinking I was.  I confessed to him that I had tried and failed many times-- and he told me what everyone says is integral to real, deep and meaningful change:  You gotta have a reason.

I have known the reason for quite some time.  But it was general, blotchy, overly ambitious, unfocused.  Which left me open to the side of me that had gotten the upper hand in my life for the last 10 years or so-- the desire to self-destruct.

There was absolutely no light at the end of my tunnel.  There was not actually even a tunnel.  There was just constancy of numbness and vague dissatisfaction. And lower than low self esteem, and wider than wide communication gap between myself and my spouse.  I was drifting further and further from any sort of life I would want to lead, and felt I wouldn't have deserved it anyway.

So last year I decided to go drastic in expanding the scope of possibilities for myself.  I took a job I had no idea about, so that I could acquire skills and the resume building stats I would need to get back home.

And slender little needles started to sprout from the surface, letting their colors be seen.  Just a tad bit of confidence there, here a blue orb of ambition.   But damn that wine.  The wine is still stunting my growth.

My reason is me.  I want to love me. I want to give myself opportunities.

Yesterday, I drank more than I ever have in a single day.  I hadn't intended to.  It was going to be a Farewell party for booze. It got out of hand.   My face was a truly bizarre shape this morning.   How embarrassing.  I am 8 weeks out from turning 42 years old.  My previous record is 36 sober days.  I'd like to celebrate 56  on my birthday.